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After T-Bone’s stupendous defeat of Tanthu, Tanthi, and Tantho, the media went into a crazed frenzy. Wraith was immediately invited to appear on 60 Minutes, At Large – With Geraldo Rivera, Oprah, SNL and the like. Below is Biff-yo-fro’s interview with Bill O’Reilly, taken from the live broadcast yesterday evening immediately following the rescue of Jelvan.
Talking Points Intro: “Good evening and thanks for watching The Factor. Many of you have been following the successes of T-Bone through their march through Anguish. Today, Fox News is independently confirming that Jelvan has been rescued. Now, what does this mean to you, the average Norrathian? Let’s date back eight months and come to terms with why Jelvan was actually kidnapped. The border! Our border situation is totally out of control. Trolls are POURING into this country and no one is there to stop them. They come in, they take over our jobs, they don’t pay taxes, they don’t watch The Factor, and they leave their corpses scattered around in every zone. This has got to stop. With me today is the leader of T-Bone, Lord Biff-yo-fro.”
Biffins: Hello Bill, thanks for having me.
O’Reilly: Good day Lord, what say you on this issue?
Biffins: On the issue of our borders? I'm not quite sure what you mean. I guess border security is important, but we don’t really have any ‘borders’ per se...
O’Reilly: Ah. See folks, what Buffo here is trying to say is: We have no borders. We have no way to enforce our borders; therefore it’s as if they didn’t even exist at all.
Biffins: That’s not even close to what I…
O’Reilly: Now let me ask you this: If I were to come to your house, do you think I could fit into it?
Biffins: What? What the hell are you talking…
O’Reilly: The answer is “NO” Beefo. Don’t beat around this bush. I'm six-foot-eleven, there’s no way in hell I'm going to fit in your stupid assling hut! You know why you live in a hut? Because you’re a worthless, border jumping hobbit! Man I hate hobbits.
Biffins: Don’t you think that’s just a TAD discriminatory?
O’Reilly: ARE YOU CALLING ME A RACIST? I SPONSOR A GNOLL PUP IN QEYNOS HILLS, MISTER!
Biffins: Umm. So about the JELVAN win I was asked to come here and talk about…
O’Reilly: Sorry Baffle. I'm just trying to assert my “tough guy” image before the first commercial break. Anyway, yeah how did you guys win that Jelvan thing?
Biffins: Well, it’s all in the math, Bill. As you can see from this simple equation…
Biffins: It’s just a process of simplification. It’s all straight forward.
O’Reilly: Huh? Sorry, wasn’t paying attention. So, do you know how much plat illegal immigration costs tax payers every year?
Biffins: You’re serious…
O’Reilly: Six hundred million platinum. Do you know what I would do with that type of cash? I wouldn’t be buying no stupid rations and bandages, no sir!
Biffins: You do realize that I have Dark Elf twins waiting for me at The Jade Tiger’s Den, right? As in: I have better things to be doing right now.
O’Reilly: You know what you need, Burrito?
Biffins: Enlighten me.
O’Reilly: You need some Factor Gear for Father’s Day. Check out my online store! We sell Factor cloth caps, and “Boycott Freeport” 10 slot backpacks!
Biffins: Yeah. I'm gone.
O’Reilly: Yeah, get out of my country you damn dirty ape!
Jelvan's Keepsake:
To recap: We’ve been to Anguish five times total. In this short period of time, we’ve successfully beat the first four bosses. Jelvan is a server first. This is no small accomplishment. We are all very proud of our progress, and hope to keep this momentum going throughout the summer.
I would also like to congratulate Einu on her Enchanter 2.0, and Quesci and Zarnaha on their Wizard 2.0s.
And, lastly, I would like to formally welcome and greet all of our new RN neighbors. Welcome to Quellious!
-Mitcheypoo
P.S. It’s a good thing Anguish is instanced. Otherwise, we’d be the only ones spanking it for an entire year!
